"Where the Blacktop Ends"

There are moments, and then there are moments, those that completely change your perception of the world. This afternoon brought one of those freeze-frame stimuli.
From 2 until 5, Kaylan, Jordan, Beth C. and I met with Hayes and the new journalism teacher in the N* room. The main classroom part was entirely cleared, except for a bunch of tables with boxes of the new teacher's stuff and a fiber-optic palm tree. The computer lab area was mostly the same, except with the obvious new flat-screen monitors. The admin added two new doors, so now yearbook actually has to OPEN A DOOR to come into our room. Anyway, we talked a lot about the paper (unfortunately, she is utterly overwhelmed with MEOW, which scares me), interrupted only by Hayes realizing that his office chair, the projector, all the records for staff, all business files for Jared, and EVERY SINGLE DIGICAM but the "Rebel" was gone. Completely gone.
Hayes left to get his kid, and then a few hours later we all decided to head for home. Waiting in Jordan's car with her and Kaylan, we all just let it go. Jordan laughed to let off steam, and Kaylan and I started bawling. And so we called Hayes, and as soon as he said, "Hello?" we yelled, "WE LOVE YOU, HAYES!" And that's when the scene was captured: Jordan on the left, holding her cell and laughing at Hayes' comments, Kaylan (practically golden from the setting sun) and me huddled on the right, hugging each other, tears streaming down our faces.

If I had taken a picture, it would probably be the best, rawest, most captivating picture I could ever take. After living through so many months with the only existing passion being anger or loneliness, this was proof that I'm still human. I felt grief and involvement at the same time. It also gave me hope that whatever comes, I have someone (two someones, actually) who will be able to relate, who can comfort me just by my knowledge of their similar pain.

My main fear for senior year is being alone, and today showed me what I've feared: I will be alone next year. I will have some friends who aren't that close to me, but even with that type of relationship, they'll be the closest ones I'll have. So will I be lonely? No. I'll be working so hard that my business persona will take over and I can talk and laugh and have a good time. Will I be happy? Will I be able to let my guard down around anyone and truly be myself? Again, no.

Wow. This was...angsty. Or should I say "xangsty," since I normally would only write stuff like this on my xanga. Whatever. I'm tired.