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*Newsroom music. Ashley Scott, sitting at newstable getting makeup done. *
We're on! Go! Shoo! Welcome to the Not so Nightly Nightly Sushi News, serving the loyal viewers of Channel whatever we are. *to self* I don't even know anymore. I'm so much above this station. *yell from off stage: 16! Channel 16!* Okay, well, apparently you poor people are watching Channel 15.5...I mean, 16. Whatever. I'm your incredibly talented and beautiful anchor, Ashley Scott. On to the news:
Our first story tonight is about a young girl and her father. After a major fight, the young girl, Chelsea Scott, age 13, told her father this afternoon what she really thought of him when he's drinking. Tears were shed, but apologies were made on behalf of her father. Things are getting back to normal. *to self* Who writes this.....
Next on our news list: If your name is Sarah Moreland or Evan Boggs, you need to finish the IU Honors Application for Ashley Scott ASAP. See her for details.
Speaking of Ashley Scott, and the incredible person that she is...in a remarkable turn of events, she finished her English editorial and most of her research for her religion essay for Theory of Knowledge. Sources are being accepted. The inquiry question is How does the idea of God transcend and unite different religions?
Now to the weather with Sarah Moreland. *Camera pans to Sarah who is dressed skimpily and talking on her cell phone.* Jane! Hello?? You owe me ice cream!... Of course you do! I won the bet! I told you that he would - *sees red camera light* Uhh, Jane, I gotta go. *pause* No, I'm not making out with Jean-Luc right now! I have a legitimate reason to go! *pause* Fine! Don't believe me! Look, we'll continue this later... *sighs and holds phone away from ear* Blah, blah, blah... *hangs up* So, good evening, people! How...nice of you to join me tonight for the weather! Isn't that what I'm doing? *looks behind her at green screen* I believe so. Anyway, everything looks nice and - *ring* What the heck? Evan? Why are you calling me??? You don't even have my brand-new cell phone number yet! Oh, you got it from Ash? Darn her... What do you wanna talk about? *pause* Oh, yeah, that IU Honors thang. Well, how about you do it? I'm a little busy at the moment, and tomorrow I have a nail appointment, facial, workout, shopping spree, PreCal lesson, and you know that new anchorman who is absol-ooooooo-tely gorgeous? We have a date at 7 at this posh restaurant - you know, Chez McD's? Sorry, Evan, can't talk much. I need to go and, you know, work. Ta-ta, honey! Call me! *hangs up and sheepishly smiles* So, back to you in the studio!

Back in the studio with Ashley

*to self* Who hires these people? *off stage, Sarah: It's just so tough being a Valley Girl... What can I do?* Anyways....How about we cut to a special segment. This is Michael Christie on "Finding Nemo" :
Okay. There's this movie. It's about a fish. And the fish is overprotected. And he rebels and then gets captured and taken far away. And his father and another fish have to go find him. And they have various wacky misadventure and hijinks along the way involving other undersea dwellers. And the name of this movie would be? Finding Nemo!

Back to Ashley

*To Self* Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Aaaaannnnnnnnnddddddd we're back! Welcome back to whatever this news station is.... If you've watched this far, I applaud you. We have a special news report about the......I'm SO SORRY people.....Lawrence North Robotics team with Mr. Marvin.
Marvin: Okay. The idea is to be an engineering firm in miniature, really. Your "product" is the robot itself, which is built in 6 weeks, the most accelerated engineering project ever. But really the robot competition is only half of it. There are all kinds of awards for how well you promote your team and promote engineering and stuff, and how well your team is organized. You can also get awards for having some cool idea on your robot. * Ashley falls asleep* Even if your robot fails in competition, you can still get piles of awards and stuff. *snores off stage* Thus, it's a contest of who can run the most awesome team/corporation.Our team has been rather disorganized in years past, but we have managed to field a fairly competent robot. This year we are being really focused on keeping our team divided up into specialized subteams with the hope that it will result in A.) More involvement by everyone and B.) A better robot through having experts. *someone pokes Ashley*

Ashley: Huh? Mommy? Oh! Well, Marvin, that was.....that was.....informative. Thank you...Please...that's alright. We'll call you. Our next segment is from Jonah Comstock on transcend... trans...something important!
Jonah: Well, I've been thinking a lot about transcendentalism lately. Thoreau, Emmerson... Nonconformity, know thyself, that sort of thing. And I think it's a really big thing for me right now because I do all these things, extracurriculars and so forth, and I never really stop and smell the roses, as it were. I've never really stopped and critically analyzed the world and my place in it. I think I'm kind of afraid too, lest I discover that the world is pointless or something depressing like that, or that I won't be able to figure it out at all. Instead of just being too busy to understand the world, I'll be too dumb to understand the world, and that would be worse, I think.

Back to Ashley:
Huh? *Sarah from off stage: That's deep, dude!* Thank you Jonah, so far you've been a cut above the rest, although I am hesitant to insult you in that way. Next up, Actor Nathan Comstock updates us on his life events, or lack thereof. *to self* Here we go again....

Nathan: I haven't done a lot of acting lately, mostly due to not having time and not being cast in anything. I've been writing a lot. I'm starting to enjoy that more now, especially cause I'm getting this awesome story idea. It's really weird cause I don't know where it comes from. It just sort of goes through me and on to the page from some totally alien source, which I guess is what people mean when they talk about Muses.

Back to Ashley
I give up! I'm quitting! You all can take this job and- *cut in friendly music and sign that says "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by." *

"Now in stores! Yo-God! God detector! For more info see www.yo-god.com "